but i'm back on deviantart spilling my guts to an audience of just me. lately i've been flip flopping between moods. you'd never be able to tell. i mean i pretty much block everyone out. all you might see is me faking a smile, acting pissed about an event that really just made me sad and hopeless. i mean i'm not gonna let my friends see that side of me if i can help it. but that's why i have this journal. i just need to let it out somewhere so here it goes. my summer was one of the most active i've had. and it left me with an empty spot in me. there was a girl over the summer that had me hooked. juli was her name, but she had me from day one. i did everything i could to make her notice me. i texted her, called her, hung out with her. she did have a boyfriend at the time, but i didn't care. i was absolutely stricken by her. well i ended up wasting a summer chasing a dream that would never come true. she was way too into her boyfriend to leave him. so i gave up hope and accepted that i was never going to have her. one day i happened to be hanging out with her though and i learned she had broken up with him. it was so hard not to show my excitement. finally the moment had come when i could finally tell her how i felt about her. i decided to wait a week or two to tell her exactly what i felt for her. it's been a couple of weeks and she's into a new boy, not me. my entire summer wasted on one girl. is it fair that the only girl i wanted was the girl i couldn't have? she doesn't even acknowledge my existence. i drown everything out with alcohol and pretend it's ok, but she'll never know how i feel about her. and i'll never know if she ever felt the same.